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Come for the puns, stay for the History! A funny and irreverent summary of Shakespeare’s Henry IV part 1.

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Henry IV Part 1 – In Plain Terms

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Henry IV part 1

 

Transcript for Henry IV Part 1

Hi everyone and Welcome back to In Plain Terms, for those of you who are new here, thanks for joining me, this is a fun podcast where I will be breaking down one of Shakespeare’s plays, in an easy and fun way. My name is Alice Bloomer. I’m not a professor, or an academic, I’m simply an actor who believes Shakespeare is for everyone, not just the educated elite. First I’ll break down the play, whilst briefly touching on some of the plays themes. Then I’ll share some of the top insults in the play. I will do all of this while making some terrible jokes and just having a good time.

This week we will be covering Henry IV Part One. I know, Know,  NOT THE HISTORIES!! But, they are SOOO boring!! WRONG, they are the original Game of Thrones, or Lord of the Rings (you can choose your epic to compare it to). Michelle Terry (reigning queen of Shakespeare’s Globe in London) calls it the original Box Set. There was no HBO back then so we couldn’t cry over which Stark was killed, or guess who was going to sit on that infamous throne of swords, so ole Shakey had to entertain the masses somehow.

First let’s just get a snapshot of the events before we get into the summary

Beginning: King Henry IV is moody, Hotspur is moodier, there’s a lot of arguing, and Prince Hal is drunk.

Middle: Hal gets in trouble with Dad, and promises to be better, Falstaff gets drafted, and they all prepare for war.

End: BIG battle, Hal and Hotspur confront, and Hal wins. Falstaff takes the credit, and gets a promotion.

So, Beginning: Henry IV is like OOKAY, I’m King now and I’m done with civil war, the country needs a break so we are going to fight in THE HOLY LAND, uniting under a common enemy for the win. Then he finds out the Scots and the Welsh are causing trouble so Henry’s like, darn, well I guess we can’t go fight a Holy War. His mate Westmoreland is like yeah mate, sorry, that guy Glendower and his men are powerful, and we need to put all our energy into squashing them. Then we hear about a young Nobleman called Henry Percy, nicknamed Hotspur, who is about the same age as Hal, HE has just defeated a bunch of the guys causing all the trouble, and Henry is all, DANGIT why can’t my kid be as cool as Hotspur. He managed to take a BUTTLOAD of prisoners, buuuut refuses to give them up, adding insult to injury for our frustrated King.

So next we meet the King’s son, Prince Hal, he is just lowkey hanging out and day-drinking messing with his mate Falstaff, an old Drunk highwayman. Hal is like your equivalent of a trust fund fratboy, who is bored of being rich, so he finds less savoury ways of entertaining himself. The scene begins when Falstaff asks Hal what time it is, and, Insults go flying, as the two behave like any two drunk lads in a bar would. Hal says ‘why the hec you care about what time of day it is you have no use for it, you are too busy drinking eating and sleeping during the day to care’. *more insults fly* (details on these in the insult section at the end) Next they are joined by their mate ‘Poins’ who tells them where the best ‘catch’ (people to rob) will be. Poins tells them “There are pilgrims going to Canterbury with rich offerings and traders riding to London with fat purses”. Travelling anywhere back then was always dangerous, as you opened yourself up to thieves and highwaymen who waited for vulnerable people to rob. Hal isn’t convinced he wants to be involved, but Poins then sends Falstaff away so he can convince Hal to do it, and plans a BRILLIANT PRANK on Falstaff. He’s all HAL! MATE! you can CHOP MY HEAD OFF if we don’t pull this off. When Falstaff and the other ‘idiots’ are robbing the pilgrims and traders, we will be waiting for them, and then WE will ambush THEM and steal the loot ourselves. After much convincing, Hal agrees to this idea and Poins leaves to sets up for the robbery. Hal then makes a speech about how he’s badly behaved now, but when it comes time to actually take the crown, his current bad behavior is going to make his ‘reformation’ look even better. This is a good hint for what’s to come for our young princeling/trust fund frat boy. I am now attached to this idea and will keep it going throughout the podcast fair warning.

Next we are back with King Henry, who is in a MOOD, as we meet the infamous Harry Hotspur. Harry’s getting a royal telling off for not releasing his prisoners from the battle to the King, to which he replies ‘Look, I had just finished an exhausting bloody battle and while my Soldiers were moving all the dead, some posh dude came up to me and started insulting me and my soldiers, and then asked me for the prisoners, I was NOT in the mood for his attitude, so I refused him.’  Then the King pesters him further about his bro in law, Mortimer, one of the prisoners he was refusing to give up and Hotspur sings his praises, (back then people still liked their in laws). Turns out his bro in law, Mortimer is the next ‘rightful’ heir to the throne, and Henry wants him out of the way so no one can question his legitimacy, it isn’t easy being a King.  So Hotspur, after leaving the King, basically spends the rest of the scene slagging him off with his dad Northumberland and his Uncle Worcester, and saying how awful he is, and how bad he feels that he was once polite to him. The king PROPERLY wound him up…which to be fair, isn’t hard…his name says it all. He is Hot headed Hotspur. Here you have the hard working middle class student who is trying nonstop to do what he thinks is the right thing. I mean we have seen this story time and time again. (keep your eye on the stage guys, I’ll do this production one day) AND YOU THOUGHT THE HISTORIES WERE BORING!!

The next scene opens with two Couriers moaning about the horrible night they just spent at the inn. Imagine like those awful motels where they never change the sheets, but before hygiene was a thing, nor were proper toilets. GROSSSS!! They are getting ready to meet up with some…well for lack of a better word, RICH people on their way to London. Now back then you didn’t just hop on a train to London, or drive, you were in a Carriage drawn by one or two horses, and not well protected. Enter Gadshill, one of Falstaff’s men, and a Chamberlain (an assistant at the inn), who is helping Gadshill with the robbery, they are toying with the two Couriers who will be helping a few Franklins, or non Noble landowners, transport their money.  Gadshill leaves the Chamberlain promising him a cut of the profits (which he doesn’t hold his breath for, remember in Mackers, Macduff jr saying there are enough liars and thieves to hang all honest men, this whole play is case and point).

Next comes THE ROBBERY. Listen, this is probably the MOST ridiculous robbery you will ever hear about. I could put an absurd amount of the aftermath of this scene into the insult section. You know what, I could do that with MANY of the scenes from this play, but that’s not important. Think of this as a MASSIVE American Frat house hazing ritual as Hal and Poins torture Falstaff and the others for their own entertainment. My brilliant metaphor continues to hold up!! The two separate from the the rest of the group as they go off to set up for the robbery, then disguise themselves and rob Falstaff and the rest of the gang simply for the sake of  ‘argument for a week, laughter for a month, and a good jest forever’ (argument here, meaning conversation). So just to clarify, the robbers, rob themselves, FOR FUN! WHAT THE HAL??

Next we go back to our hot-headed Hotspur, preparing for battle and reading a letter from someone, we don’t know who, and it is PISSING him OFF. Whoever wrote to him has no faith in his battle plan (this is the guy who was just praised in Act I for his prowess or skill in battle). The writer basically has no confidence in him, and Harry is having none of it. Clearly his wife noticed something has been up with him, as she comes in questioning him, asking him what is going on, and why he’s been dismissive of her. In typical male fashion he ignores her, and brushes her off. Lady Percy gets my award for one of the sassiest female Shakespearean characters in the cannon. She comes back at him with: ‘come come you paraquito answer me’ and ‘out you mad headed ape a weasel hath not such a deal of spleen (temper) as you are tossed with in faith.’ I mean you have to love her, for once the woman is telling off the MAN for his temper and not the other way around. Eventually he tells her she can follow him the next day. So I guess in the end Hotspur is a bit of a gent!

We are now returned to Hal and his Pals, post robbery. First we see Hal and Poins mess with a poor barman named Francis who isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed to pass time. Then the two of them have Falstaff recite his side of the robbery. (again, this is all just like Frat house hazing) Falstaff goes on for aaaages about how vcowardly Hal and Poins have been for ‘skipping’ the robbery. He gets to part of the story where he was robbed, and as he goes, adds more attackers to make himself look more heroic. It goes from 2 all the way up to 12 before Hal stops him and says he can’t take it anymore and tells him the truth about what happened. Falstaff once again jumps to his own defence saying instincts must have kicked in, and he must have known it was Hal and he didn’t want to strike the future King of England in defence and accidentally injure him. This of course is told with a slew of insults from both parties calling each other fat, skinny, drunk, old, and a number of other… Less polite things.  Then after a messenger from Hal’s dad shows up to try and drag him back to court, Falstaff and he decide to do some role playing as practice for when Hal meets with his dad. Falstaff pretends to be Henry IV and Hal, himself. This ends up being decidedly unproductive, as it just ends up with the two of them insulting each other, and Falstaff bigging himself up.

After this you would think the scene would be over, but noooo, next the Sheriff comes a knockin’ looking for Falstaff, in relation to the robbery.  Falstaff hides while Hal gets rid of the sheriff by telling him Falstaff has gone out on an errand. He swears to return the money, and all is somewhat well. Hal returns in to the tavern to find Falstaff asleep behind the arras (a hanging tapestry).

Aaand we are back to Hotspur, and what then become known as the ‘rebel army’. Those who are fighting against King Henry… Sound like any other rebels you know…in SPACE…with lightsabers?? I’m telling you these stories have been told time and time again, they change and grow, but the basic premise is SO SIMILAR! The group consists of Harry Hotspur, Lord Mortimer, Hotspur’s brother in law, Worcester, his Uncle, and Lord Glendower who is the leader of the gang and Mortimer’s father in law….complicated I know. It’s almost as bad as Game of Thrones! Hotspur, then being the hothead he is, begins to wind up Glendower by dissing him…which is a bad idea, cause he’s kinda a magician, AND they need his help. Then they begin to divide up the country between them and Mortimer, his brother in law for after they defeat Henry.. Hotspur gets all up in arms over the division of the land moaning that there’s a thumping great big river dividing up all the good bits of his land, so he decides the best option is to divert the river. Again, winding up Glendower, but Glendower decides to let Harry win this one, gives him permission to divert the river, and leaves. Harry gets a telling off, and then THE WIVES enter. Mortimer’s wife is Welsh, and doesn’t speak any English, and Mortimer speaks no Welsh. Odd piece of comic relief from ole Shakey here. She sings a song in Welsh, and Harry, thinks its a fun idea to have his wife do the same. Needless to say that doesn’t go down well and Kate refuses. Eventually it’s time to leave though and the men depart for War leaving their wives behind.

Next we have Hal getting his Bottom…wait no wrong play…sorry, I can’t think of a good pun here, sorry guys, but he’s getting his butt handed to him by his dad, King Henry. He’s basically saying Hal’s gotta pull himself together cause the country is in the middle of a civil war. Hal quickly apologizes and promises to do better. Of course, King Henry is a dad, he knows better than to take an apology that easy to he draws it out more by saying that he reckons Hal would sooner join up with Hotspur, THE ENEMY, than help him. What a guilt trip. I would like to say he wins the prize for best Shakespearean parental guilt trip…but he isn’t even close to some of the other terrible parents Shakespeare writes. Hal then properly grovels and swears that he will either kill Hotspur on the battlefield or die trying. Shakespeare really knew how to make drama. I once again picture some rich trust fund American College kid going to his dad, the President of the School board, and getting told to get his act together, or he will take away his PlayStation. Clearly I haven’t thought about this at all.

Next we return to Falstaff and his mates. He’s been given a promotion, and put into the Army. He is at their usual tavern, with their mate Bardolph, moaning about having his pocket picked. This was of course done by Hal after he fell asleep behind the arras. He swears he lost loads of money, and a ring worth almost a pound (about £600 today), blaming the Mistress of the House, Mistress Quickly. She swears up and down she questioned everyone and no one knows anything. Falstaff starts on accusing Hal, when who should walk in but the Prince himself. Falstaff immediately starts taking back what he was saying. Of course no one lets him get away with that, and they all jump on the bandwagon of making sure Hal knows how rude Falstaff was being about him.

Nah man nah I swear I never said that, your my mate, of course I trust you.

Are you kidding me, he was just swearing up and down you were the dirtiest thief of all of us.

(and so on), I mean #fratboys Am I right?

So it continues as Mistress Quickly and Bardolph rag on Falstaff, who had been very rude about them so fair play. They tell Hal, that Falstaff SWORE he owed him a thousand pounds. (this from the guy who owes money to every bar in town) To which he turns around and says noooo you owe me your looooove your love is worth a not just a thousand but a million pounds. (honestly good come back mate, I respect that one). Eventually Hal confesses to be the one who pickpocketed him and all is SUDDENLY forgiven, seeing as he can’t really be mad at the future King. Of course Hal knows that there was absolutely nothing of worth in his pockets too. Hal gives  Falstaff and Bardolph their ‘marching orders’ for battle, and he rides off with one of the lads called Peto. Here is where we start to see Hal slowly begin to claim his place as a leader, but he’s not there yet, still just your frat boy who is behaving cause Daddy said so, and out of sudden need, had there not been a war on, I wonder if Hal would have changed at all… (remind you of a certain Prince, who had the same reputation in his youth, and a similar name?)

Next we are back to Hotspur, who is having a Day with a capital D, kinda like poor old Macky at the end of his play, he just keeps getting bad news after bad news. First his dad sends him a letter and says he is waayyy to sick to come, and that he doesn’t feel like anyone else can lead his troops, so they aren’t coming. Hotspur is very good at going from saying, and thinking, OH GOD, we are SUNK, to being like, no no it’s cool we got this we absolutely GOT this. Then, worse news, their mate Glendower, the Welsh guy who Harry couldn’t stop insulting earlier on in the play, now can’t get his troops together in time. So they are down by A LOT of people. STILL he remains positive, saying nah we are STRONG we can take them, no question. He hears the King himself is riding, and that Hal, the prince everyone thought was a useless drunk is also riding ‘like feathered mercury’ (the Roman god of messages and commerce), so Hotspur replies that he will ride out like ‘mailed Mars’ mail being armor, not what the postman delivers and Mars being the God of War. That’s got to paint a picture in your mind of who Harry and Hal are. The scene ends with more rousing words of support from Harry and they are off to prepare for battle.

We now return to our mate Falstaff who is thoroughly enjoying his newfound power. He bosses Bardolph around, and then moans about how terrible his soldiers are. Apparently most of them are ex-cons, who are half starved, and ancient. He doesn’t trust a single one of them to protect him in battle, although he was the one who hired him . On walks Hal, who comments on the very same thing. How poor and skinny they look. Falstaff basically says it’s fine they are perfect for war as they are all close to death anyways, they can just fill in the pit where they battle, we can use them as human shields.  If you are a Star Trek fan, these are the redshirts. It’s a pretty awful statement, but of course with Falstaff saying it, it somehow comes out funny, especially seeing as he is the opposite. Fat, overfed, and while not wealthy, he is a thief, so he lives well. That and he is more likely to save his own skin than anyone else, he certainly won’t be on the front lines of battle. That’s about it for the scene, as they head off to battle.

Next we are back to Hotspur, and his compatriots. Harry wants to go into battle TONIGHT, as he continues to live up to his name. He and one of his men, Douglas, the Scottish Contingent, think it’s smarter to go now, but the other two with him are like NO WAY! They argue til they are interrupted by one of the King’s men, a guy called Sir Walter Blunt, who comes to basically say, why the HAL are you mad at the King, he’s a good guy, and wants to talk this through. And Hotspur’s like OOOKAY well, first my father has helped your King for years, he literally is the REASON he made it this far. He helped him when he was returning, as an outlaw to the country, lent him money and helped him rebuild his reputation off the back of his own. Only after he SWORE all he wanted was his land and title back. Hotspur continues to explain how he then starts complaining about the current king, saying how he is doing the country wrong. So OF COURSE the people follow him and depose the king (this was Richard II guys if you want to know, I’ll do a podcast on that play at some point). He THEN has the king killed, and all his supporters killed. Blunt, the messenger does jump in once or twice, but Hot headed Hotspur will not be stopped when he is in a MOOD. He goes ON. He says that the King was then RUDE and distrusting of him and his father (the guy who got him this far) and they got so fed up they decided to join the rebels, and now think that he has no legitimate claim to the throne (which actually historically speaking is kinda true). So after that, Blunt is like RIGHT, so you want me to tell that to the king, and he is like NAH MAN, I just said all that cause I was mad, my Uncle is gonna go visit the king tomorrow and talk to him. He’s hot headed Hotspur, so Blunt doesn’t question him any further.

This next scene is what we in the biiiiz call exposition. I’m sure no one’s ever heard of that. We have the Archbishop giving letters to Sir Michael for various important people. They discuss each sides powers, and how terrible it is that both Hotspur’s dad, Northumberland, and Glendower, two of Percy’s MAJOR forces aren’t coming to help and the King has got LOADS of help. The Archbishop is trying to find as many more people as he can to help Hotspur. (mostly to save his own skin)

We now return to the King and Hal, and their party. Hal and his Dad start the scene in the most English way imaginable. They discuss THE WEATHER. *sigh* Some things never change guys. As promised, in walk Hotspur’s Uncle Worcester and his mate Vernon, to talk to the King.  They tell the King they weren’t looking to get in this fight. When the King questions this, they go through basically all the same things Hotspur said to Blunt about how they helped him and he was an ungrateful brat and so on. Henry basically says this is all lies that he has drummed up to gain a following for his rebellion. Hal chimes in with a more respectful attitude, saying how much he respects Hotspur, as a soldier, and a man. Bringing up his own failures, basically saying, look guys he’s better than me, I’ve been an idiot, I respect him, I don’t want to fight him. Henry promises to pardon everyone now if they call off the ‘rebellion’. As the two men leave to bring this news to Hotspur, Hal and his dad both feel that he will not agree to the terms they have given, and prepare for war. Falstaff chimes in, and asks Hal to protect him in the field if he falls. Hal says he ‘owes God a death’ so if he does fall in battle, it is right. Falstaff shockingly disagrees, and then goes on to talk about Honour, everyone wants it, but if you have to die to get it, who does that help? He describes honour as a mere human construction, it helps no one. It can’t heal a wound, it is just a idea to hide behind, so he will have nothing to do with it.

Worcester and Vernon return from their meeting with the King and discuss the outcome. They (mostly Worcester) think that while the King may say he will forgive their uprising, he will find another way to punish them later on down the line. Hotspur however, they feel will be easily forgiven, seeing that he is ‘young and impressionable’, and all his actions can be blamed on the elders around him. So they  that decide to lie, they break the news to Percy, that the king is ready for battle and will not yield. Harry then asks about Hal, and what his attitude was. Vernon goes on to talk about Hal’s praise of him, and how honorably he spoke. He says Hal ‘made a blushing cital of himself’ meaning he gave a modest description of himself. Hotspur thinks nothing on this and replies that he will meet him on the battlefield the next day no matter what. He leaves with the line ‘Esperance Percy! And set on’ Esperance here meaning an expectation of a good outcome.

Now we are officially in the battle. Everything that happens here, imagine is happening on one big field and we are flitting between different views, like in a movie. Douglas, one of Hotspur’s men meets Sir Walter Blunt on the battlefield, who is dressed as the King. Douglas buys the disguise (this is a time before selfies, no one knew what anyone looked like). He kills Blunt, but Hotspur comes on and breaks the news that he has not actually killed the King. Darn. Then we switch to Hal and Falstaff, again in the midst of battle. Falstaff is tired and bored of this whole war business, and is getting  a liiiitle concerned for his life. He throws in a LOT of wordplay in here, that I will break down later in the insult section (which by the way is going to be EPIC). Hal asks for Falstaff’s sword, which he refuses to give up. He then offers him his pistol, which he says will ‘sack a city’, turns out it’s literally a bottle of Sack, which Hal throws back at him saying NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR JOKING!! (To Falstaff, I don’t think there ever is such a time) And leaves. Falstaff’s bravery is restored and he says he will kill Percy if he crosses him.

We next return to Hal, who is wounded, and his men are trying to get him to return to camp and recover. He, typical stubborn male that he is, refuses to go, and wants to keep fighting. Switching sides we go to Douglas who is exhausted as there are so many men out that are dressed like the King, he says ‘they grow like Hydra’s heads’. If you aren’t sure what a Hydra is, cast your memory back to your Disney days and remember the purple dragon Hercules fought, that’s a hydra. Chop one head off, 3 more grow in its place. Douglas is having a rough day to say the least. And of course, who should enter but the real King himself. They battle, and Douglas begins to win, but Hal comes to his rescue. Hal begins to overtake, and Douglas flees. Next we have the ultimate battle between our two heros. The one in you have in all the superhero and bond films, except which side do you choose. The good and evil aren’t so cut and dry here. Needless to say, Hotspur falls, and says he is ‘food for’ before death cuts him off and Hal finishes his line ‘for worms’, which in a funny way is a great metaphor for Hotspur, who like his line were cut off too soon. In the midst of this Falstaff has come on and mid-fight, decides to play dead to keep himself safe. Hal sees him, and offers a tearful goodbye, believing his feigned death. They didn’t know much about the body back then, so checking for a pulse wouldn’t have been a thing…I wonder how many alive people were thought dead back then cause of this…oh well that’s a subject for another day. He exits and Falstaff pops up cheerily, and decides to take credit for killing Percy. He stabs him a few more times to make it look real, and is about to take him away when on walks Hal and his brother John of Lancaster. Lancaster is like ‘bro didn’t you say he was dead’, and Hal’s like yeah man, Falstaff, I swear you were dead last time I checked. Falstaff is like NAH MAN, both me AND Percy were alive and out of breath (passed out), but we both got up and fought and I killed him. Hal doesn’t buy it for a minute but decides to let his pal get away with it. Falstaff requests an Earl or Dukedom, and they all leave, Falstaff carrying the dead Hotspur off with him.

This final scene isn’t a massive wrap up, as this is only part one, but it sets up what is to happen next. The defeat of the rebels is confirmed, most of them fled. Vernon and Worcester have been captured and are executed. The war isn’t over yet, though as Percy’s dad, Northumberland, and their mate Glendower still have their power. The royal family split up as they each go to deal with various threats. Hal, redeemed in his father’s eyes, stays with him to travel to Wales to deal with Glendower. What happens next…you will have to wait for my podcast on Henry IV part II, after Twelfth Night, which is coming up next. Or you can catch the Henriad at Shakespeare’s Globe in London. £12.50 in total if you see all three Henry plays in one day.

OOOKAY the best part of the podcast is HEERE the INSULTS (with a small space reserved for Falstaff’s pun’s)

These lies are like their father that begets them;

gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou

clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou

whoreson, obscene, grease tallow-catch,- Hal to Falstaff Act II Scene iv

Hal doesn’t believe Falstaff’s lies and says they are just like him. Big as a mountain, open, and visible. Then he calls him stupid in a few ways, the son of…a woman of questionable values, rude, and the last one, is basically calling him a fat catcher, or just fat. Fat jokes are RIFE in this play, and while of course they are not okay now, back then, being fat was a sign of wealth, so it wasn’t treated as deep an insult as it is today.

‘this sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker,

this huge hill of flesh,–’ More Hal insults to Falstaff, Same Act and Scene

Hal calls him a red faced coward, lazy, and fat a few more times.

Falstaff’s turn ‘Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried

neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish! O

for breath to utter what is like thee! you

tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile  

Standing-tuck,-’

Slightly less inventive and yet more in a way, Falstaff finds about 7 different ways to call Hal small and skinny.

This, when it’s done right has me absolutely roaring with laughter.

‘That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness,

that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack,

that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with

the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey iniquity,

that father ruffian, that vanity in years?’

SO this is a mountain of insults, A trunk of humours is basically a big wooden box of secretion or juice, nasty image that, bolting-hutch is basically a massive sieve, and beastliness explains itself. Dropsies is an illness resulting in fluid retention, sack is wine, reverend vice is basically the stage clown or buffoon, but not in a good way, grey iniquity is again the stage clown representing the sin of vice. Vanity and Ruffian are two more characters in vice plays. I’m sensing a theme here. Basically, Hal (while pretending to be his father) is calling Falstaff the King and retainer of All vices.

DID I NOT TELL YOU GUYS THIS WAS GOING TO BE A CORKER OF AN INSULT SECTION. And this is just one scene.

‘Why, what a wasp-stung and impatient fool
Art thou to break into this woman’s mood’ Northumberland to Hotspur Act I Scene iii

Sooo this is quite rude towards women, Hotspur’s dad is basically saying why are you being all moody like a woman. I felt it was important to include this because of it’s misogynistic attitude towards women, but also how that’s still an insult used today, if a man is extra emotional, he is called a woman.

Now it’s PUN TIME!!

If I travel but four foot by the square further I shall break my wind.

He means he will be out of breath, but also FART JOKE!!!!!

Falstaff says to Hal ‘What mean you to colt me thus’ in Act II scene ii colt means to dupe or trick, and Hal replies ‘Thou liest thou art not colted, thou art uncolted’ colted here meaning having a horse. He turns Falstaff’s words against him and steals the PUN CROWN!

Were it not here apparent that thou art heir apparent.

If it weren’t clear you were the heir to the throne. What a pun.

S’blood twas time to counterfiet, or that hot termagent scot would have paid me, scot and lot too.

Here he is playing on the word Scot, the scot he is talking about is Douglas, who he had just been fighting, but pretended to die to avoid being killed. He said he had to ‘counterfi et’ ie play dead or the scot would have settled him or killed him. Scot and lot was a local tax, but also means thoroughly so he continues on the paying wordplay. Paying meaning settle a score, metaphorically and physically.

Glendower:

And sandy-bottom’d Severn have I sent him

Bootless home and weather-beaten back.

Hotspur:

Home without boots, and in foul weather too!

How ‘scapes he agues, in the devil’s name?

III i

This is probably my favourite pun of the whole play. Glendower says he sent someone bootless home which is like saying he sent them home a loser, and of course Hotspur comes back with the obvious retort of, if he went home without boots how did he avoid getting ill. It’s priceless. Comedy GOLD right here.

Put votes in for your favourite insult or pun on Twitter @PlainTerms